Shards of Silver
by the object lesson
Summary: Because Ginny wasn't sure they ever were really just friends, that there wasn't always something underneath, some part of her that had always needed Tonks to hold her up, pull her through, to… love her.


**May 15, 1998**

Ginny sits at the kitchen table. It's a long table, once meant for many to eat and laugh together. Now, she sits alone. The house is quiet. When she was a child, this house was always creaking and moaning, straining under the constant trampling of footsteps up and down the stairs, experimental magic coming from each room, and weight of its many occupants and guests. How long ago was that? It feels like it never happened, like she must've read it in a book about someone else's life. She rests her hands awkwardly on the table, and looks out a dusty window.

At least the weather has the decency to be cold and grey.

Her black dress robes have lint on them. Or dust. It seems like everything in the house has a thin layer of dust, allowed to accumulate by neglect and abandonment. Before the war, her mother never would've let things get this tawdry, but apparently even Molly's will to clean could be suffocated with grief. She picks idly at a bit of lint. There are hundreds of spells, of course, that would return her robes to the new, crisp, dust-free quality they must've had when they were bought at the store, but she doesn't lift her wand to use one. She prefers them to look like this, old and dusty, like they sit in a box in the attic year after year, never worn.

Ginny wants to look like she has no need of funeral attire.

She knows that Harry will be here soon to get her, and that she should try to muster up that brave, determined face he's so proud of before they head off. When he sees her like this, she can tell that it hurts him so deeply, that it makes him feel like today's funeral is his fault, and that he has failed, even in victory. At this thought, she sits up a bit straighter and tries to conjure up a face that will tell him she loves him, that he's her hero, and that everything will be alright. It's too bad there's no spell for that. There are potions that will make you happy, that will stretch a smile across your face so tightly that it feels like your skin will split, but this isn't the time for happiness.

At least no one expects her to smile.

A slightly calloused hand trails softly up her arm, and Ginny feels her whole body relax. Such a simple touch, and she can feel warmth spread from the point of contact all throughout her body. A small smile actually finds its way to her mouth as she raises one hand from the table, making for the comforting fingers currently resting on her shoulder. Tonks always seems to know when she's hurting, and to be there to give her hope, even in the darkest of times. It's one of the things Ginny loves about her. From the first time they spoke, Tonks could make Ginny feel like everything really would be alright.

**August 6 1995, Morning**

It seemed to add insult to injury that Grimmauld place was so dreary. Wasn't it enough that the world outside was going to shit? You-Know-Who was amassing new forces, people were going missing, and on top of all that, Ginny was stuck in a dark, dank place that smelled of mildew that no one could be bothered to wave their wand at, full of people that brushed all of her questions aside and closed every door in her face.

Being 14 really sucked. No one listened to you, or cared what you thought, or even filled you in on what was really going on outside. She'd even seen her mom hiding the Daily Prophet before Ginny could get her hands on it. But most of all, it sucked that no one would tell her anything about how Harry was supposed to get here. All they said was that he'd be arriving tonight, and not to worry.

Ginny rested her head on her arms and sulked. Not to worry? Seriously? Just go on up the stairs and read "The Adventures of Martin Miggs, the Mad Muggle" and pretend that moving the most hunted boy on the planet halfway across England was the easiest thing in the world. Merlin, even his own government was out to get him now! They're supposed to the good guys, thought Ginny. How could they tell her that getting him here was no big deal when his own side had turned against him?

"Hey, Gin, what's up?"

Ginny sat up quickly, not wanting to look like the petulant little kid, angry at being left out. Nymphandora Tonks stood in the doorway with a big, inexplicable smile on her face. Though, Ginny supposed, getting out of this house, even for a few hours, was something to smile about.

"Oh, uhh, hey Nymphandora. Not much, just enjoying the scenery." Ginny winced at the stutter, but Nymphandora let out a dry laugh, before giving her a scowl.

"Ugh, Ginny, please, it's Tonks. Unless I can call you 'Ginevra'?"

"Oh, Merlin, please no. Anything but that."

Tonks grinned at her, and Ginny found herself actually smiling back. She'd been a little star-struck by the Auror since being briefly introduced to her in her first days in the Grimmauld. Tonks talked a lot, and was one of the clumsiest people she'd ever met, but she was only 21, already a full-fledged Auror, and Madeye's pupil besides. Ginny was pretty sure that made her some kind of prodigy. Yet, Tonks always smiled at her when they passed in the many hallways, and she was the first non-family member to initiate any conversation with her since Ginny arrived. Plus, the metamorphmagus thing was just really cool.

"You look down. Anything I can do?"

Ginny looked up again, surprised to find herself in what was apparently to be an actual interaction with the older girl. She found herself being surprisingly honest.

"Probably not. Unless you want to tell me anything about the move today. I know you're going."

Tonks sighed, and sat at the chair across the table.

"You know I can't-"

Ginny sighed.

"- and I'm really sorry! I know it sucks, but I don't make the rules. They're all just trying to keep you safe."

"Well, you can all congratulate yourselves on a job well done, then. I'm probably the safest person in the whole bloody country."

Tonks laughed again, and Ginny actually found herself smiling. Tonks shared a knowing grin.

"See, there's a smile. Look, I know you've heard it a thousand times, but he's really going to be here in a few hours, and everything is really going to be ok. At least for the next 24 hours, deal?"

"Fine. But if you're wrong I'm holding you personally responsible."

Tonks gave her a mock salute.

"Oh, and don't let your mother hear that mouth! You might not be the safest person in the country after that."

Ginny returned the salute, and actually laughed. Tonks winked, stood, and sauntered out of the room, leaving Ginny shocked at the sound of her own giggling.

**July 6, 1996 Mid-afternoon**

Ginny lay down on the couch in her living room, with her History of Magic textbook propped on her knees. Looking quickly over the cushions to see her mother still in the kitchen, she slipped the Daily Prophet into the book, and skimmed the obituaries page. Recently, they'd added a "Disappearances" section, and every day it seemed like there were more names, and more that she recognized.

When her mother found out she'd made no progress on her summer homework, Molly placed Ginny under house arrest until it was complete. Being related to the twins, Ginny found this punishment to be strangely ineffective, but recently she had no trouble staying at home. Running off wasn't as funny as Voldemort's power continued to rise, and over the past few weeks, there'd been a stream of interesting visitors to the Burrow. Dumbledore, to arrange Harry's impending arrival, Bill and Charlie, usually on Order business but sometimes just for dinner, and Tonks. Ginny had been excited to hear from her mother that Tonks would be stopping by, after spending so much time with her at Number 12 Grimmauld Place, but when her friend arrived, Ginny realized that much had changed in a year.

The sound of the front door closing disturbed her covert reading, and she jumped up to look in the kitchen.

"Mom, where's Tonks?"

Molly sighed and gave her daughter a sad smile, "Just left, dear. But Harry's just arrived, you must've missed him while you were studying –"

Ginny was halfway out the door. She saw Tonks standing in the yard, pulling her wand from her robes.

"Hey Tonks, wait!"

For a brief moment, it seemed like she was going to disapparate anyway, but then the older witch slowly turned and returned her wand to her pocket.

"Hey, Gin. Sorry for the quick exit, I've just got to be getting back soon. Order stuff."

Ginny noticed Tonks' hair was still an unexciting brown, and the dark circles under her eyes were worse than ever.

"That's ok. Just didn't want you to leave without saying goodbye."

Tonks managed a weak smile, and suddenly it was obvious to Ginny that she had been planning that exact sort of departure. Feelings of hurt rose up in her from nowhere, and Ginny suddenly felt very embarrassed, like a little girl tagging along with the older kids who only see her as a nuisance. She stared at the ground, wishing she was wearing something more grown up than shorts and a Hollyhead Harpies t-shirt.

She felt a hand on her shoulder, and looked up to see Tonks staring down at her, with just a little more life in her eyes.

"Oh, Ginny, I'm sorry. I've been so wrapped up in myself lately, I haven't been much of a friend. It's just that, well, you know, it doesn't matter. I promise I'll stay longer next time, okay? How's your birthday sound?"

Ginny smiled and nodded. Tonks smiled back, and Ginny felt herself being pulled forward into a hug. She wrapped her arms around Tonks' waist, enjoying the brief, reassuring contact. So close to her friend, she realized that the arms around her back were lean and strong, and her hands could find no give in the body under her fingertips. With her usually lighthearted attitude and easy laughter, Ginny sometimes forgot that Tonks was actually an Auror, and not just a friend. Somehow, being that close to her, she could feel a heat that seemed to radiate out from this woman, and it dawned on her that Tonks wasn't the youngest Auror in the Ministry for nothing.

As she watched Tonks wave her wand and disappear, Ginny wondered if being underestimated might serve as more of an advantage than weakness.

**July 27, 1997 Very late night**

She couldn't sleep, or even close her eyes, so she got out of bed with the intention of going back down stairs. But when she reached the stairwell, she stopped. She didn't want to go back down there, into the room where just hours earlier, people had burst through the door, some in various states of release from the polyjuice potion, all looking battered with the same ghost white, horrified expression on their faces. The room where one of her brothers was laid out on their dining room table, half of his face and neck dripping with blood. The room where Harry hadn't even looked at her as he came in, just stared blankly ahead, saying nothing.

Ginny had thrown her arm around Fred, who was tending to his damaged twin, when she realized,

"Wait… where's Ron?"

Her mother looked up from tending to George, and when Ginny searched her eyes for the comfort and reassurance she had always relied on, she found nothing but despair and confusion. Just as she felt her heart begin to tear, there was a voice at the door,

"I'm here!" he rasped, out of breath, "I'm fine. We made it."

Ginny remembered racing towards her youngest brother, and hugging him so fiercely it seemed like he might shatter on impact. He held her just as tightly, and when Ginny had opened her eyes, she saw Tonks over his shoulder. Their eyes locked immediately, and as Ginny took in her bone-white face and hex-burned skin, she realized that where she had always found joy and hope in Tonks' face, now she could see only fear.

She had felt a strange pull forward, a need to go to her friend, but she only hugged Ron tighter and whispered,

"Thank you."

Tonks nodded, and the moment was over. The war had finally touched their small, seemingly-invincible group, and everyone in this silent house knew that this was only the beginning.

So, Ginny remained seated on the top step, stuck. Even when the Order sat around, planning a way to get Harry out of Little Whinging unscathed, they all realized they were walking into a trap. Even Ginny knew you only set up a decoy if you think someone's going to take a shot at it. She'd wanted to go, to be one of the decoy-Harrys. When her mother unsurprisingly rejected her request, she had raged and argued, angry tears coming unbidden to her eyes as she begged to be allowed to help. Now, with her brother missing part of his head, and 2 dead, she was… glad. Glad she hadn't been there, required to fight in the air with deadly hexes flying past her ears.

She felt her eyes begin to burn again. Coward. She was such a coward. How could she be glad she hadn't been there? Be happy that someone else had taken the curse for her, that she didn't have to fight for those she loved? Pathetic. Then, she felt fear. It was only a matter of time. War didn't care that she was just weeks shy of her 16th birthday, that she was just a girl, not ready for battles of freedom or slavery, life or death.. She would be swept into the storm like everyone else. Voldemort's hand would reach her, eventually.

No, not eventually. Again. He would find her again, and she doubted he'd forgotten their last meeting.

"Ginny?"

Ginny was proud for not screaming, but she jumped so violently at the feeling of a hand on her shoulder that it almost didn't make a difference. Her head whipped around so fast her bones cracked, only to see Tonks standing behind her in nightclothes, hand outstretched, looking just as spooked.

"Merlin, I'm sorry Ginny. I just – I heard noises, I had to come out and check."

Ginny took a few deep, calming breaths.

"What noises?"

Tonks didn't say anything. She just sat down next to her, gently held her face in both hands, and used her thumbs to wipe away tears Ginny didn't realize she'd been shedding.

Ginny felt a whole new wave of moisture come to her eyes, and suddenly her face was buried in Tonk's shoulder, arms crossed weakly over her stomach, trying to hold back sobs she didn't know had been building. She felt two strong arms fold around her, pulling her in. They sat there at the top of the stairs, not speaking, for what felt like ages until Ginny heard Tonks whisper,

"You're not a coward, Gin… you have no idea… I… I'm so glad you weren't there."

**August 1****, 1997 Mid-morning**

Ginny stood in front of her mirror in her bedroom, picking at one of the delicate straps holding up her dress. Gold, Fleur? Really? Of course, it looked great on the other bridesmaid, bloody perfect little tart, but red hair with gold? She looked like a bloody torch. A tacky one. From Cornwall.

There was really no improving it. It didn't matter anyway. Who was she trying to impress? Harry? Their brief reconnection was thoroughly squashed by Ron and the fact that he would disappear any day now. But mostly Ron. And… that was it, really. Besides, this wasn't about her. It was about Bill, and if he wanted her to look like a beacon of tasteless eveningwear, so be it. Just this once. Reaching up to adjust the more acceptable pink roses in her hair, Ginny vowed to make him wear the most horrible dress robes of all time, maybe those ones Ron had, if she ever got married.

Yeah. Right.

"Hey Gin, is it alright if I borrow your…"

Ginny looked up to see Tonks frozen in the doorway. She had a pair of heels in one hand and a flask remarkably similar to the ones of Blood-Replenishing Potion Ginny had seen in her various trips to the Hogwarts Infirmary in the other. When Ginny looked to hear the request, she found Tonks staring at her with an odd expression on her face.

Suddenly, the noisy bustle of the wedding preparations seemed to stop, and Ginny found her eyes locked on her friend's. Tonks had changed her hair to short, brown waves, and was actually wearing a dress. Ginny examined the way the grey chiffon added curves to Tonks' lean frame, and realized she had her hands on the flowers just under her ear and had no idea what they were doing there.

Tonks let out a long breath, and Ginny realized she'd been holding hers. All the sound rushed back into her ears, and her eyes snapped up as she struggled to return to the subject at hand.

"… yes? Borrow my…?"

Tonks didn't say anything.

"Tonks?"

Her eyes moved to Ginny's.

"Yes?"

"You wanted to borrow something?"

"I… yeah, I wanted to use your… um… I have to go."

Ginny watched as Tonks turned on her heel and vanished. Lowering her hands from her hair, Ginny remained fixed on the empty doorframe, trying remember what she'd been doing before the world stopped.

Then, as quickly as she'd left, Tonks returned. They stared at each other intensely for a few moments, almost like before, in the kitchen, but now Ginny realized that, where she found fear before, this time her friend's eyes looked uncomfortable.

"I just wanted, um… you look really beautiful, Gin."

**August 4, 1997 Morning**

Ginny sat out on the front steps, watching the sun come up over their little garden. She rested her chin on her knees as she watched the dark clouds creeping in already, dimming the sun even as it attempted to brighten the sky.

The Burrow had never felt this empty. People passed through, the Order still used the house as a headquarters, but no one seemed to live here anymore. Except her. Left behind, again. Maybe it wasn't her age. Maybe she just wasn't useful. Everyone else went off to fight a war, and she got to go back to school and pretend like everything was normal. Ginny raised her hand to brush away a few tears before they could drop. She seemed to cry so easily these days. Maybe that was why she got left behind. Everyone thought she couldn't handle the risks and the hardships required to make any sort of difference in the world.

Maybe she couldn't.

Tonks seemed to be in and out of the Burrow more than the other Order members. With the Ministry overrun, the Aurors who chose honor over the safety of serving He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named were still scattered, trying to regroup and provide aide to wherever needed it most. Ginny found herself living for the hours Tonks would be there, but couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't with Remus. Even as they spent more time together, Tonks mentioned him very little, and Ginny noticed that the same, strange look would come over her face every time his name came up. Then again, Ginny couldn't talk about Harry at all, and any mention of the missing trio at all usually resulted in more tears, so she could understand Tonks' relative silence on the subject.

The door swung open behind her, and a few moments later Ginny felt a hand on her shoulder. Without realizing it, she felt herself leaning into the touch. It was just so cold now, and every day she felt a little more helpless, and a little more lost. Warmth radiated from the contact, and Ginny found she didn't want to move, that staying like this forever, with the little piece of hope she could hold onto in this moment, seemed better than anything waiting for her beyond these steps. And she knew it was waiting. Even if she was unfit for the horror of war, it would find her eventually.

"They're safe, Gin. We would have heard something if… anything had happened."

Ginny nodded, still unwilling to break the contact. There was some sort of force, some invisible pull that connected her, and it seemed to grow stronger as the clouds grew darker. She felt it most on the worst days, days with no news from her friends and more deaths in the papers, the days when she felt the so alone, so helpless, forced to sit and watch the world fall apart around her. Somehow, when life felt unbearable, their eyes would lock, across the hall or through the door as Tonks made to leave, and Ginny, transfixed, would feel some of her courage return, like the feeling slowly coming back into your fingertips on a winter's day.

"Besides, Ron knows you'd kill him if he let anything happen, to either of them."

Ginny managed a wry smile, recognizing the truth under the joke. Even though they'd fought bitterly at times, Ron had always looked out for her. He'd fight to the last man to protect his friends.

"Are you ready to return to school?"

Tonks came around to sit next to her on the step, mirroring Ginny's position. Ginny turned her head to the side to find the ever changing eyes she seemed to need.

"Not really, though I don't suppose it'll matter if I didn't do my homework this year."

Tonks sighed.

"That isn't what I meant," she said, and Ginny could hear Mad-Eye in her voice, "Hogwarts is the safest place right now, but it's also a target. You're one of the few students that knows the whole story, and that will put you in a difficult position. You'll have to protect people that have lost faith in us, in Harry, and it'll be up to you to prepare them for what's coming. Whether they believe what they hear in the papers, or they're still on our side, they all need to be ready when Vol- um, H-he-who-must-not-be-named moves to take the school."

At her stutter, their eyes met fully, and Ginny saw some of the softness return.

"Harry won't be there to lead them, and Ron and Hermione won't be there to protect them. It's your turn, now."

Ginny turned her face back to the horizon, to see a lone ray of sun pierce the clouds. She was suddenly blinded, but she kept her eyes open and smiled.

"Well, in that case, yes, I think I am."

**Aug 11, 1997 Evening**

They had a fire crackling happily away in their fireplace, in August. Ginny couldn't decide what bothered her more; the ridiculousness of a fire in the summer, or that it was necessary. Every other year, she and her brothers would run down to the pond and dove in, spending the hot summer day pushing each other off the old dock into the water. This year, the grey skies wouldn't clear, and it was too cold to swim. Though they probably wouldn't have gone, even if it had been sunny.

She shivered, even with the fire, and hugged her knees more tightly to her chest. Everyone else went to bed hours ago. No one was tired, but at some point every day the weight of the stillness in a once busy and joyful house became too much, and sleep was the only escape. That's how Ginny felt anyway, especially today, but even the temptation of sweet unconsciousness felt empty and pointless. She almost felt like to take that way out, however temporary, would be cheating everyone who didn't have access to a bed and sleeping draught tonight. Harry, Hermione, and Ron probably weren't cuddling up to sleep right now.

"Happy Birthday, Ginny."

Ginny didn't even jump at the sound of her voice anymore. It seemed like whenever she was up late, alone, Tonks somehow knew. Ginny actually waited for the sudden hand on her shoulder now.

"Thanks, Tonks. All in all, not the best ever."

Tonks laughed, but it sounded hollow and restrained. Ginny's eyes followed her as she moved to sit down on the couch.

"Fair enough. But hey, 16 is nothing to sneeze at."

"I guess not. I'm catching up to you."

Tonks didn't respond, but Ginny swore she heard her mumble something that sounded like "I wish".

They sat next to each other for in silence, watching the fire. Ginny shivered again, and Tonks noticed immediately.

"Ginny, there's a blanket right behind you." Even as she chastised her, she was pulling the afghan off the back of the couch and draping it over Ginny's shoulders. Ginny let her eyes close as she felt Tonks smooth the blanket over the back of her neck, fingers brushing her skin as she gently pulled her hair off of her neck. Ginny felt herself shiver again, and felt oddly embarrassed. A blush spread over her cheeks, and she found herself leaning into Tonks' shoulder to hide it.

After a pause just a little too long, Ginny felt a familiar arm reach around her shoulders. She closed her eyes, enjoying the sudden emptiness in her mind, an unexpected reprieve from the constant turmoil. She felt Tonks absentmindedly weaving her fingers through the holes in the thick knit of the blanket, and on her bare shoulder they felt cold.

Without thinking, Ginny pulled the blanket to cover her as well. She could feel Tonks looking down at her, and very slowly she felt her arm return to her back, under the wool. Ginny became acutely aware of every inch of skin to skin contact, and realized that where before it had been cold, the touch now felt almost like burning. She realized she was sitting very still, afraid to move, and she felt Tonks' eyes on her. Tilting her head up slightly, she could just see Tonks' face, angled down to her, so close it was a little blurry. She wondered if that's how her mouth looked naturally, perfectly bowed and just a little pink. Frozen, Ginny stared at her lips, so close, as close as she'd ever been, and realized it would be nothing at all to –

A persistent creak from the attic ran through them like a shock, and Tonks jerked her face away. Ginny quickly shifted her gaze down again, to see that the hand Tonks had resting on her own knee was clenched so tightly that the skin looked white even in the firelight. Ginny let her hair fall into her face and didn't look up again.

They sat like that, unnaturally still, until just embers remained in the fireplace.

**August 25, 1997 Very early morning**

She hadn't seen Tonks for two weeks, and yet the knock on her door at 2am wasn't surprising. Ginny remained silent, sitting against her headboard, and after a few moments the door opened without creaking for the first time in her life. Her eyes followed intently as Tonks slowly entered the room and closed the door behind her. It clicked shut as she leaned against it, looking back and Ginny without coming any further. She wore jeans and an old t-shirt, and Ginny was instantly very aware of the way the denim outlined her legs and the hem of her shirt was just the smallest bit too short.

Ginny allowed her eyes to stare without restraint, raking over Tonks' face, and she realized she was trying to memorize the way she looked. She could see tired lines under her eyes, eyes which were as she'd never seen them before, pale grey like clouds, but bright and intense. Her skin was white, whether naturally or in fear, and there was a long, angry-looking scar running down one of her cheeks. Her hair, always so changeable, was now black and short, falling over her eyes, and Ginny was suddenly struck by the image of a bright full moon behind shadow black trees.

"Is this your face?"

Tonks nodded.

"I tried to think of something else, something you'd like, but I couldn't focus."

"You're perfect."

Ginny didn't know where these words were coming from, but suddenly, the fear, the hopelessness she'd felt for so long had burnt off like morning fog, and she felt a blazing energy in her chest in place where helplessness had once been. She felt her eyes drift close, trying to capture this feeling and forget about the reality that lay outside this room.

At the sound of a sudden, sharp inhale, her eyes snapped open, Tonks filling her vision again. She finally placed the look on her face, the one she'd seen before but hadn't recognized. It was pain. Instantly, she felt herself moving to cross the room. Tonks started and help up her hands.

"Don't! Ginny, please don't."

Ginny stopped moving.

"Just… it's just…. I tried everything not to come here tonight."

"Then why are you here?"

"I don't know."

Ginny waited. Her heart was thundering and she could swear she felt another in the room, pounding so hard it seemed to alter the candlelight. Finally, Tonks spoke, arms wrapped around her like she was trying to hold herself back.

"I think that… that we need to talk."

Ginny nodded, but her mouth said otherwise,

"But you don't want to talk."

"No. I don't."

Ginny had gone so long without blinking that her eyes started to sting. Tonks suddenly pulled her wand out of her jeans, whispered _silencio _at the door, and immediately hit the wood so hard Ginny swore she could feel the impact in her own hands. She moved to get up again, but a strangled sob stopped her.

"I'm not supposed to be scared, but I am. I want to protect the lives of the people I… the people I love, but what can I do against such mindless hate? If Alastor… he's gone, he just fell, he was the best and they cut him down in a second like he was nothing... how can I protect you, if he couldn't? How can we possibly succeed? It gets darker, colder every day and we're losing already, and I am so fucking terrified of what it means if I fail, if we can't protect Harry. And now, when we're needed the most, I feel so lost and so afraid… but when I look at you…"

She turned her head to the side, and Ginny saw the tears streaming from her silver eyes.

"When I look at you, that all disappears."

Ginny felt her fingers gripping the bedspread, holding on.

"But fuck, how can I feel like this? I'm married, and I'm… and you! You're fucking 16! And this, this thing I can't seem to shake, it can never happen, I can never have what I… and it makes me fucking sick to my stomach to be in the same room with you, but the thought of leaving is a thousand times worse. The past weeks have been torture, and I tried everything to stay away, but now I'm standing here, and I feel like my heart is going to explode."

She'd been pacing, but she stopped and stared at Ginny with a look that made it hard to breathe.

"And sitting with you, actually getting to touch you, made me feel like I'd burst into flames, but I couldn't move out of fear you'd pull away. And when you looked at me, my whole world stopped, and I just…" Tonks closed her eyes, and spoke so quietly that Ginny found herself leaning forward to hear "… I just wanted to kiss you so badly, I couldn't stop myself and for a second, when you were so close and I was so _tired _of fighting it, it seemed like… like…" She slumped back against the door, and when she opened her eyes, Ginny could see the exhaustion, the defeat looking back at her.

"… like you felt it too."

Ginny wasn't aware that she'd gotten up. She didn't feel her body leave the bed or her feet hit the floor. She felt only the energy rushing through her body, the strength and courage that were all but lost returning like a fire racing through her veins. She didn't move, she just _was _on the other side of the room, hands braced against the door, not touching, but caging Tonks in with her body. She couldn't breathe, couldn't do anything except stand there, frozen, and it felt like hours of waiting, burning with the need for something to happen, anything. Then, so slowly she couldn't be sure it was happening, she felt her eyes, those molten, piercing eyes, on her, and then, with a ragged breath, Tonks let her head drop to Ginny's neck.

All of the air escaped her lungs in a rush, and Ginny felt her hands leave the door and move to the woman in front of her, trailing down over her shoulders and arms to find purchase on her hips. She felt her head turn and her lips graze Tonks' temple. She shuddered, and she whispered the words without pause or question.

"I feel it too."

**August 31, 1997 Late Afternoon**

Her trunk was packed. All of her books had been delivered to the house, after Kinsley had done every imaginable test for dark magic. She even had her broom, though she wasn't sure why. For some reason, it seemed like there would be no quidditch this year. She didn't even feel like playing.

When she woke up that morning, Ginny did nothing but stare out her bedroom window for an hour. She could still see it – the golden flag on top of the wedding tent, the flowers in place, the sun still streaming through the window. The feeling, after so long, of being in Harry's arms, of being safe, just for those few moments. The rush she had felt when she pressed her mouth to his, and the elation, the pure happiness, when he pulled her closer and kissed her back.

The only thing that came close was the feeling of Tonks, in that moment against the door. Barely touching her, barely even breathing, and trying not to combust

Closing her eyes, Ginny waited for the feelings of guilt, of self-loathing, that should come with being so drawn to someone else, someone who wasn't the boy she knew she'd love 'till she died. They wouldn't come. How could everything she felt be contained in one body? Could her heart even hold them both, the long, slow burn, and the raging forest fire, without dissolving to ash?

All Ginny could feel was the horror of what it would mean to choose.

Ginny had barely seen Tonks since the night in her room, just catching glimpses of the tail of her robes as she left the room. After Tonks left, Ginny had stayed awake for hours, leaning against her door, listening to the sounds, straining her ears for footsteps. After that, not seeing her friend was torture, but now she felt no despair, only determination.

Utterly distracted, Ginny made her way downstairs to the empty kitchen. Pouring herself a cup of tea, she sat at the table. Not drinking it, just watching the leaves swirl and thinking of earlier, happier times. Voices from outside disturbed her occupation, and she turned her head to the doorway to see Tonks practically fall through it.

"Molly, I've just realized that first thing tomorrow I –"

Tonks froze, staring at Ginny. Ginny stared back, taking in the shocked look on Tonks' face as she fell into the contact she'd been avoiding so effectively. She felt herself smiling slightly when she realized that Tonks couldn't look away.

"I… I thought you were Molly."

"Clearly."

"But you aren't."

"No, I'm not."

Tonks very clearly considered running out of the room at that moment, but she didn't.

"She was just here, I just wanted to ask her…"

She didn't finish. Then, she took a step forward, and another. She moved to stand next to Ginny's chair, and Ginny felt herself turn her body towards her, looking up at her, realizing this was the closest they'd been since that night.

"Tonks! Sorry, I just stepped out to help Arthur with the trunks, what was it that you needed?"

It was the way Tonks lurched away from her more than her mother's voice that made Ginny aware of someone else in the room. With great difficulty, she broke eye contact and turned to her mom holding a pile of sheets.

"Oh good, Ginny, you're here too," she continued, oblivious, "I wanted to tell you both that since Tonks is bringing you to the platform tomorrow, she's staying here for tonight. With so many of the Order here, the rooms are quite full, so I thought it the best arrangement for you two to bunk together. Is that alright?"

Ginny barely had opened her mouth when from behind her she heard,

"Sure Molly, that'll be fine."

**September 1, 1997 12am**

Ginny had never been so conscious of how narrow her bed was. It'd always felt pretty wide, and strangely, she could remember lying comfortably next to Hermione in it dozens of times. She'd apparently developed some extra sense that let her be painfully aware of the exact position of someone behind her. Which exactly mirrored her own, Ginny imagined: stiffly on her side, facing away, pretending to be asleep.

She suddenly felt irrationally disappointed. Tonks had agreed to this, after all. Ginny'd been bracing herself for the refusal, but when quite the opposite happened, she'd briefly thought Tonks had changed her mind and decided to… what, exactly? Stop avoiding her, but what was the alternative? About a million images flashed into Ginny's mind, each of them as ridiculous as the last, and yet…

Yet here she was, and this position was getting really uncomfortable. Ginny steeled herself to move. She was going to do it, going to roll over and… and what? Maybe it'd been too long now; with each passing second her body felt more and more like it had turned to stone. The frustration boiled over.

"You know, you could've slept on the couch."

Silence. For a minute, Ginny thought she might really be asleep.

"And have Kinsley traipsing through every five minutes, barking orders? Sounds restful."

Ginny giggled, and then pressed her hands to her mouth, appalled. She heard sheets rustling, felt the mattress move and still.

"I still could, though. If you wanted me to."

Like someone else was moving her, Ginny felt her body shift. When she was on her back, she paused, no longer feeling the involuntary moment. Then, she turned herself the rest of the way, to find Tonks staring back at her. The liquid silver eyes that she hadn't seen since the moment in her room almost seemed to be rippling. In fact, Ginny could see a faint shimmer on her exposed skin, just the slightest iridescence running down her legs. Everything about her looked so transient, so changeable, and somehow seeing her like this made Ginny ache.

"I don't want you to."

Whatever Tonks had decided that afternoon, Ginny knew what she'd decided now. Leaning in, she searched her eyes, and found no trace of the pain she'd seen earlier. Without thinking, Ginny reached out and ran her fingers along Tonks' side, feeling the strength hidden under her shirt, the Auror who was ready to fight.

"I want you to stay."

Her mouth, it was so close now, even closer than before. Except now, there was no creaky house to scare her off. Absolute silence, like the world was on pause to let something happen that had no place on this earth. Ginny moved so slowly, afraid of what was about to happen, the consequences of what she was about to do. More than that, though, she was afraid of what she would become, if she let her only chance slip by.

"Gin, I'm…"

Ginny silenced Tonks with her hand, and then quickly replaced it with her mouth.

Grasping Tonks' waist, Ginny swore the tiniest whimper escaped from her lips. These lips, that she'd been so fascinated by weeks ago, that she'd wanted to kiss but couldn't place the feeling, having them pressed to her mouth was almost painful in its perfection. She tried to cement the feeling in her mind, the warmth, the touch of skin, the taste on her tongue. She braced herself, waiting for the moment to be over, waiting to be pushed away, but then the lips under hers relaxed, all the tension gone left the body pressed against her, and Ginny felt calloused hands frame her face. Tonks pulled her closer, kissed her back, and Ginny felt herself melt into the touch.

Letting her hands snake under the thin shirt, Ginny finally let her hands run across the smooth, unyielding skin of Tonks' stomach, up to her ribs. Uncertain, she paused, but then she felt similar hands move down the front of her body, so lightly, almost like they were afraid to get burned. The urge to see, to have this woman exposed before her was overwhelming, but she could not bring herself to break the kiss, to abandon the feel of their mouths together. She trailed her hands under the cloth, letting her fingers just trace the small, firm breasts that pressed against her own. So quickly she had no time to think about anything but the feeling, she felt Tonks' hands run up over her chest, just slightly grazing her nipples through her shirt.

It felt so good, so painfully good that Ginny broke the kiss and moaned, forgetting everything but that sensation. She felt Tonks bury her face in her neck, and barely heard the whisper that moved over her skin.

"Fuck, Gin…"

The warmth she had grown to need raced to Ginny's core and ached like she had never felt. She removed her hands from under the fabric and slid it up, and Tonks' quickly raised her arms over her head so Ginny could lift the shirt off and toss it aside. With strong arms once again around her waist, she took in the lean body in front of her. Tonks was very thin, and looked like she even may have lost some weight, but when she moved Ginny could see the muscle under her skin, the strength she had always felt but never seen.

Ginny let herself be pulled in once again, felt Tonks kiss her, felt her trace the inside of her mouth with her tongue before dragging her lips down over her jaw to the crook of her neck. Ginny could feel a hot wetness on her skin where it was pressed against Tonks' cheek, and realized she was already crying.

**September 1, 1997 Morning**

When she woke up, it was still dark. Ginny sat up slowly, disoriented, and looked out her window. Dark clouds rumbled overhead, covering the sun and casting everything in shadow. Ginny reached behind her on the bed impulsively, but felt only cold sheets.

Slowly, she dragged herself out of bed, and threw on whatever clothing she ran across on the floor. It didn't matter – she'd be changing into her school robes in a matter of hours. Ginny left her already packed trunk upstairs and headed to the kitchen.

She found Tonks already at the table, hunched over a cup of coffee with her head in her hands. Ginny stopped short at the sight.

"Tonks?"

After a moment, Tonks raised her head and their eyes met. Ginny saw that her face was hard and emotionless, but her eyes looked as though there should be tears in them. Ginny felt her heart clench.

"What's happened?"

"Hogwarts passed to Deatheater control last night. Snape is Headmaster. Kinsley's just told me. It'll be in today's papers."

Ginny's body went numb. Tonks looked back at her coffee and continued,

"I've already talked with your mum, and she agrees that the Burrow is the best place for you right now. Snape probably even knows about you and Harry, I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't even make it off the train. With the Order still here, it should be safe. We wanted to station a watch around the platform to intercept more students, but it won't be any use. If the Ministry has even half a brain, that paper won't come out 'till the train is long gone."

Ginny slowly began to process what she was hearing. Snape was Headmaster. The students wouldn't find out in time. Once they got to the school, it'd be too late. They'd have to stay, or be killed. Or stay _and _be killed.

"… and now that we've been labeled traitors and deserters, no parent is going to take their child off the train, just on our word –"

"I'm going."

Tonks' head shot up.

"What?"

"I'm going to Hogwarts."

"Like hell you are."

Ginny felt her temper rise.

"No? You're going to stop me? After that speech about it being my time, my job to protect the younger students?"

"Ginny, it's not that – "

"Is that just something you told me to placate me, so I'd feel better about being left behind? Or did you change your mind? What did I do, Tonks, what did I do to make you think I was so bloody useless, that they'd be better off without me? "

"Wait, please, just listen to me –"

"No, you listen," Ginny spat, anger threatening to boil over, "If you think that I'm going to just sit around while the rest of you go off to stop You-know-who, you can go to hell. I refuse to stay here in hiding while my friends and family go off to die. This is my life, too, and I am sure as hell not going to waste what little might be left of it waiting for someone else to –"

"How am I supposed to let you go?"

Silence. Tonks had risen from her seat, and now gripped Ginny by her shoulders, fingers digging into her skin so hard it hurt. Her eyes were wide and desperate, but there was no moisture. Ginny realized she too was all out of tears. She grasped the front of Tonks' cloak in her hand and pulled her into her arms, holding her so tightly, afraid to let go.

Finally, she pulled back, her arms feeling like they'd turned to stone. Tonks let her go freely, searching her eyes with that same pained expression Ginny was finally beginning to understand. She leaned in, and Ginny felt the lightest touch to her lips, so soft she almost could've imagined it. But then it was over, and her mind was made up.

"You will because you have to."

**December 25, 1997 **

Christmas at the Burrow was surprisingly cheery. Fred and George came in from the shop, and Charlie showed up unexpectedly, just before dinner. Pleasantly full, Ginny found herself in her father's chair, enjoying a roaring fire and for once, not thinking about the war. It was never far from her mind at school, with the Carrows lurking in the halls and overhauling classes. Any letters she received were opened beforehand, so news from home was sparse and unsatisfying. The ceiling of the Great Hall was always dark gray, now, and Ginny could barely remember laughing with Hermione, playing quidditch with Ron, or those long, sunny afternoons with…

But now, with the Burrow looking like home again, watching Fred and George sneaking gag ornaments onto the tree when mum wasn't looking, she could almost relax, almost forget what it was like to be anything other than a 16 year old girl spending the holidays with her family. Ginny tucked her legs beneath her, curling into the large cushions, and let her eyes close, just for a minute…

"Remus! My goodness, I had no idea!"

Ginny's eyes snapped open.

"However did you manage it? Arthur said you weren't able to get away!"

"Well, Molly, I was needed at home."

"Oh, of course, of course. Nymphadora, you better get in and sit by the fire. No, no, I insist."

She heard a laugh.

"Molly, I'm fine. There's no need to fuss."

She hadn't seen Tonks since she'd passed through the barrier to Platform 9 and ¾, nearly 4 months ago. She'd looked back only once, just catching a glimpse of pink hair, moving away through the crowd. But then, she wasn't surprised. Being a defected Auror was even more dangerous than ever, with Kinsley on the run and Snatchers roaming the countryside. The days of Tonks visiting Hogwarts on favors for Dumbledore were long over, and yet, Ginny still found herself jumping at the sound of a laugh, staring at doorways, hearing a voice that just had to be…

With the thud of approaching footsteps, Ginny turned her eyes to the fire as if somehow she could disappear into the flames. She heard the rest of her family get up and greet their new guests, and for a moment, no one noticed her lack of hospitality, she could have been invisible.

"Hello, Ginny."

There was something about that voice that could make her body move without thought or consent. Ginny felt her head whip around. Her eyes immediately found their target, but instead of silver, they were brown. The words felt like a rock moving up her windpipe.

"Hello, Tonks, Remus. It's so great you could make it."

This apparently appeased the onlookers, because excited conversation once again flooded Ginny's ears, and she was only forced to watch as her mother led the newcomers to the sofa. Tonks' eyes flashed as she sat down, and Ginny watched with satisfaction-tinted horror as she realized that she as now tucked under her husband's arm in the very spot they'd been in together, months ago. Tonks composed herself quickly, though, and soon was once again smiling and laughing with everyone else.

It was a reunion she had thought about, agonized over, really, for months, and now she could not bring herself to look at them, the happy couple on her sofa, hands intertwined. She stared at the fire, talked to her brothers, even focused intensely on Celestia's dull croon coming from the old radio. Anything to avoid eye contact. Eventually, having thoroughly inspected everything else in the room, she found herself staring slightly past everyone else, appearing to listen to the conversation, but in fact letting her vision blur on a particularly cream-colored patch of wall.

"So, Tonks, I can't imagine Remus lets you out on active duty much, does he?"

Tonks laughed, but Ginny saw her eyes dart quickly away from Fred.

"No, I'm mostly at home. I'm actually assisting with Potterwatch now. It's turning out to be a great way to share news, the _real _news, and he might be listening, you know?"

There was a small pause, and Ginny heard her mother sniff quietly. She could feel six sets of eyes on her immediately, but the absence of the ones she wanted most drowned out their stares. Suddenly, she was on her feet. She stopped briefly and leaned down to kiss her mum on the cheek.

"Think I'll go take a crack at those dishes."

"Oh, Ginny, you don't have to-"

"No, don't worry. You stay, catch up."

That was how Ginny found herself in the kitchen, standing at the sink, washing a plate by hand. It was a habit she'd picked up from Harry, actually, during those years she spent gawking at him, trying to think of a spell to make him notice her. He always did dishes by hand, so she tried it once, and now, whenever she was sad or frustrated, she ended up reaching for a sponge. Well, that and staring at Tonks…

Movement in the doorway caused her to falter in her scrubbing. Her eyes bore into the bubbles.

"So you aren't even going to look at me?"

Scrub scrub scrub.

"Not if I can help it, no."

"I'm sorry I couldn't come on better… circumstances."

"You mean, without your husband."

"Yeah, I guess."

"I don't see how you'd be here at all without him."

Her fingers were starting to prune, but Ginny kept them immersed to hide the shaking.

"I… you're right. I'm still sorry."

"I know. Me too."

Her eyes flickered to her left before she could stop them, and landed on Tonks' waist.

"Hey, why aren't you showing?"

"What? Oh, right. Concealment charm. Remus thought… well, it might make me a target."

"He's right. Congratulations, by the way."

The slightly blurred Tonks in her periphery shifted her weight nervously and crossed her arms. She turned, as if to leave, but spun back around quickly.

"Why'd you steal the sword?"

"Almost. Almost stole the sword."

"Whatever. What in Merlin's name were you thinking?"

"Not much. It did boost morale a bit, though." Ginny almost smiled, thinking of her reception back into Gryffindor tower after her "punishment" in the Forbidden Forest.

"This isn't funny. Something terrible could've happened to you."

"But it didn't."

"Is this because of what I told you? About leading the students?"

"Maybe. I don't know. I think we just wanted to make something happen. It gets old, pretending everything is fine."

She really hadn't meant that last bit to come out so biting. Really. The sharp breath from behind her indicated that her tone had not gone unnoticed.

"That's not what we're doing."

"Isn't it? I get up, I go to 'Muggle Studies', where one of the Carrows tells me what the Ministry plans to do to wizards that associate with muggles and muggle-borns and shoots me pointed grins for an hour. I eat at the Gryffindor table, where half of the students are missing, and the other half have open wounds or black eyes. I ignore the fact that we haven't heard anything that has the slightest chance of being about Harry in months, that I might never see my brother or my best friend again, that the sun barely makes it through the clouds anymore because bloody Vol-"

"DON'T SAY THE NAME!"

Ginny cursed, and threw the pan she was washing down into the frothy water. Suddenly conscious of the volume, they both stood silently, listening for voices in the living room. Just a light murmuring of conversation and the maudlin tones of Celestia replied. Ginny struggled to control her breathing.

"And you," she said quietly, "I pretend that I don't care that I haven't seen you in months, that I haven't heard from you, that you're… pregnant, and married, and… and staring at me like you can't stand the sight of me."

There was a long pause, and suddenly Tonks was at her side, staring down at her with that pained expression Ginny was getting so fond of.

"You know why. What am I supposed to do?"

She was right, of course. What had Ginny expected? Frequent visits at Hogwarts? Letters? Her to leave Remus for a 16-year-old girl who was in love with someone else? She was so fucking stupid, thinking this was going somewhere, thinking it was important.

"You're right. Nothing. You weren't supposed to do anything."

Tonks' face softened, and she came to stand beside Ginny at the sink, resting her hand gently on her arm.

"Gin… I miss you. I miss my friend."

"We were never really friends."

Looking slightly to her left, Ginny could see Tonk's face, could watch it as her words carved pure anguish into the pale features. Ginny could see Tonks had interpreted her words in a different way than she'd meant them. Because Ginny wasn't sure they ever were really just friends, that there wasn't always something underneath, some part of her that had always needed Tonks to hold her up, pull her through, to… love her. She wasn't sure she hadn't loved Tonks from the moment she met her.

Or maybe, as Ginny watched all emotion fall from her face, Tonks took her words exactly how she wanted her to take them.

"You know, you're probably right. My mistake."

Ginny felt a surge of anger so hot it was a surprise the water in front of her didn't start to boil. There was only honesty in Tonks' words, even though all Ginny had given her was sarcasm and malice. And Ginny wanted malice. She wanted an argument, to be contradicted. To get _something _other than a confirmation of what she both knew and could not accept – that everything that had led up to this whispered conversation in her parent's kitchen was a mistake, a bad call made during a stressful time, to be written off and forgotten. That there was no other choice.

She turned her head to fully look at Tonks. Brown eyes met hers, and for a moment, it seemed like Tonks wanted the same thing. To know that Ginny could not, would not regret it, even if that would mean nothing in the end. But her face, the one she put on for her husband, for her unborn child, made it easy to swallow the impulse to tell her everything. To tell her that she didn't mean it, that she needed her, that she was afraid and so fucking jealous even though she had no right to be.

As Tonks steeled herself to speak, Ginny could feel her heart beating so hard it was impossible that no one could hear it.

"I think… maybe it would be best, if we stayed away from each other for a while."

"So you'll be leaving, then?"

Ginny hated herself for being so cruel. Tonks stiffened, and when she spoke again, her voice was full of hurt,

"Yeah, I think it's time I left. I shouldn't have come here."

"Well, it's good we had this talk."

Where were the words coming from? It was done, over. She'd buried the knife deep, thrown the rejection she knew was coming back in Tonks' face before she could even start the conversation. But the anger, the hurt wouldn't let her stop until the whole bridge had burned, and there was no going back.

"Make sure you give Remus my best. You two have a lovely holiday."

Tonks turned and stormed out before she could continue. Ginny waited, through the goodbyes and the well-wishes, through the promises to see each other soon, through the closing of the front door. Her eyes burned as she stared, unblinking, into the soapy water.

"Tonks, wait!"

She flew across the kitchen, out the door and through the snow-covered garden. Her footsteps slipped and slid as she sprinted towards the magical barrier. She felt the sudden warmth as she passed through it, and she was out in the night on the other side.

"Tonks, I'm sor-"

Nothing.

Ginny followed the pair of footsteps until they vanished into nothing. She stared at that spot, the last step, the tiny halo in the snow where they'd apparated. Then, she sank to her knees in the snow and sobbed.

Her tears were freezing to her face when Fred came out and scooped her up without a word. She clung to his shirt as he carried her inside.

**April 29, 1998**

Ginny had never felt so helpless. All she'd done at Hogwarts, bringing back the D.A., preparing the students to defend themselves, seemed like nothing. Stuck in hiding made her feel more trapped than she ever had under the eye of Snape and the Carrows. More useless than ever.

She leaned her elbows on the windowsill of the kitchen at Shell Cottage. From this far away, she could almost pretend like the rest of the world was this tranquil. For a moment, she let herself be soothed by the salty air, the warm breeze on her face. She knew Bill was working outside, the brother she'd idolized since she could remember, who would always be there to protect her. For a few blissful minutes, she let herself pretend that Harry, Ron, and Hermione were safe, that they would all be together again soon, and that Tonks…

Even in her fantasy, there was no way to make her relationship with Tonks ideal. There was no place for it to exist, even in the perfect world. Ginny lowered her head to her hands and sighed. She hadn't seen her since their fight at Christmas, though through chance or her own avoidance she couldn't tell. The thought of what she had said was like a knife to her temple, but she couldn't bring herself to contact Tonks, to apologize and tell her the truth, because really, what was the point? That story would never have a happy ending.

A sudden movement out of the corner of her eye caused her head to snap up, and her hand was already on her wand before she realized who it was. Tonks was striding up the walkway. Ginny was frozen, transfixed as she watched her move closer, a stern, purposeful look on her face. Then, like she had been called, Tonks turned her eyes to the window, and Ginny felt eyes burning on her face. She quickly turned away, but it was too late. The front door quietly clicked open and shut, and soft footsteps came closer until they stopped behind her.

Ginny turned to face her. She looked thinner, and tired, but healthy. Her eyes flashed silver as she raked her gaze over Ginny. She spoke suddenly.

"I should have flooed."

Ginny cut her off, "- no. It's alright."

More silence. Ginny had just opened her mouth to say something inane when Tonks spoke again.

"Remus is on his way. I came early, I… I don't know why."

Ginny nodded, and remained silent. She was running through their last interaction in her head, and short of running from the room, there was nothing she could do or say after how she left things. She didn't deserve a say, to further interfere with the life of her friend. That, and she didn't trust herself to speak again without breaking down, without telling her everything.

She became suddenly aware that Tonks was moving towards her, and that she had moved forward off the counter. It was the same involuntary pull she always felt around her, but this time she was actively resisting it, trying to get out of the proximity where she would pour her heart out for one touch. It was useless, and as soon as they collided, Tonks grasped her waist and pushed her up against a nearby cabinet. Ginny's heart rattled her bones as Tonks' body fit against hers, and the warm breath rushing past her ear let her know she wasn't the only one overcome with the sudden, unexpected closeness. Cold fingers grasped her knee, pulling it upward, and ran along her thigh to the hem of her skirt. The touch burned painfully, but Ginny leaned into it, digging her fingernails into Tonks' back. The hand continued its path, under the denim, up to the juncture of her thighs, and Ginny knew she had burst into flames, combusted, because there was no recovering from this feeling. She opened her eyes to find Tonks staring down at her, with a smug look on her face and pain in her eyes.

"Nymphandora, we're here!"

Tonks flew off of her, and Ginny felt the ice move back through her veins. She was still shaking, and bracing herself against the counter when Tonks rearranged her face into a smile and exited the kitchen. Ginny stood, tried to keep her face from burning as she rearranged her clothes. She moved slowly towards the entry way when she heard her brother's voice.

"Well, I see who he takes after!"

Ginny stumbled into the hall, and watched the scene unfold. It was a good thing everyone in the room was distracted, because one look at her face would give everything away. Tonks leaned up to kiss Remus, and between them, a bundle of blankets squirmed and made a cooing noise. The couple then turned their attention to the baby in their arms, a pudgy little pink ball with a shock of turquoise hair.

Ginny felt a camera being pressed into her hands.

"Gin, take a picture, you know you're better at it than I am."

She raised the camera, looked through it to see the perfect trio, see Tonks' face so full of love and happiness, and none of the pain that had been etched into her features moments before. Remus looked younger, lighter than she had ever seen him, and the baby was looking at her with big, silver eyes as he gripped Tonks' finger in his tiny hand.

Ginny pressed the button, and the camera flashed. She passed it back to her brother, turned away from the scene, ran into the bathroom, and vomited.

**May 2, 1998 Sometime after midnight**

It was like being 14 all over again, totally useless. Like she hadn't been the one to get the DA back together, the only reason half of these students were even _remotely _ready to fight. Like she hadn't been there in the Department of Mysteries, or fought the Death Eaters when they showed up at Hogwarts last year. She'd survived through most of this bloody school year, only to be put into hiding, and then called back by Neville using the code _they'd _come up with, the code that could only mean one thing. Hogwarts was under attack.

And now she had to sit in the Room of Requirement and wait.

Only this time, she was ready. She was scared out of her mind, her hands shaking and the blood pounding in her ears, and the absolute silence of the hidden room was only making it worse. But it wasn't like last time. Not like the Battle of the Seven Potters, where she'd wanted to go so badly and then, in the aftermath, been so relieved she hadn't been there. No, she didn't want to join the battle. She _needed _to. Needed it like she needed air, like she needed magic, like… like she needed Harry. Now that he was here, so close, and in so much danger, she needed to be there, fighting for him. For all of them.

She'd been frantically trying to think of a way to join the battle without further risking her family's safety when Tonks came stumbling through the passageway.

"Please – I need to know what's –"

Their eyes met, and the noise of battle coming from outside faded away.

"Ginny."

Ginny felt her heart clench as memories of their last interaction flooded in. This time, with the battle raging in her ears, she could only be honest.

"Tonks, I need to tell you how –"

But Tonks had crossed the distance and was crushing Ginny to her chest before Ginny realized she'd moved. Ginny felt herself melt into the embrace, arms immediately encircling Tonks' waist as she pressed her face to the crook of her neck. With the world stopped around them, they stood there, connected, and Ginny felt the energy flow from her aching heart outwards, so powerful that she felt as if blinding light was shining from her chest.

"Gin… Merlin, I thought… I don't know why, but I was so fucking sure I'd never see you again."

"I'm so sorry," Ginny whispered against her skin, unable to make eye contact, "I never should've said all that, I was lying, I was just so fucking jealous, and terrified, and you- you just have to know that."

Tonks pulled her tighter and whispered, "I know now."

Ginny pressed herself closer, trying to save this feeling on her skin forever. For this moment, there was nothing else in the world more important than the fingers knotted in her hair, or the strong arm around her waist, touching her skin where her shirt had risen. The finality of the touch burned into her memory, and she let it, adding it to the fire she now felt in her chest.

Suddenly, like breaking to the surface from underwater, the world rushed in. Ginny and Tonks sprang apart and turned to see an elderly woman climbing through the portrait hole. Tonks strode forward to assist her. Ginny twisted her fingers together to keep her hands from shaking.

"We ought to seal the portrait, with Aberforth not in the pub. I believe I'm the last to arrive."

Tonks nodded and they closed the portal. Ginny had almost regained her breath when 3 more people burst in through the main door.

"Ah, Potter," spoke the woman and strode quickly to meet Harry, who was followed closely by Ron and Hermione. Ginny finally found her voice.

"Is everyone okay?" she asked, only to hear the same question echoed from behind her. She turned to look at Tonks, barely hearing the answer. People were talking around her, but all she could see were silver eyes, boring into hers.

Finally, something broke the connection, and Ginny whirled around to see Harry facing her and Tonks.

"I thought you were supposed to be with Teddy at your mother's," Harry addressed Tonks.

Tonks answered him, but when Ginny looked at her again she found the same silver eyes staring back at her.

"I couldn't stand not knowing-" Tonks spoke shakily. She then turned to Harry and seemed to recover. "She'll look after him – have you seen Remus?"

Barely had Ginny heard the answer but Tonks was making her way to the exit. She tried to ignore the pulling in her chest, tried to stay rooted to the floor when what she wanted to do was run.

"Ginny," she heard Harry speak behind her, and she turned to him. She felt her love for him well up in her, and she merged it with the energy in her chest, combining all of her conflicting, impossible feelings into one force, one power to sustain her.

"I'm sorry, but we need you to leave too. Just for a bit, then – "

She was off, his concerned green eyes still etched in her mind. She could hear him shouting behind her as she sprinted up the stairs, out the door. Out in the hall she called,

"Tonks, wait!"

This time, she was not too late. The tall figure at the top of the stairwell froze and turned to her. Ginny ran to her friend. Standing before her, she looked into her face, engraving it in her memory. She felt an inexplicable sense of despair creep up in her as she met her eyes, dimming the intensity of her hope and love for a moment, but this feeling was wiped away as Tonks' lips crashed onto hers.

The intensity, the bruising force of the kiss caused the light in Ginny's chest to explode, and she felt it in every bone, every pore of her skin, radiating behind her eyes. She clasped Tonks' face in her hands, pulling her closer as familiar arms locked around her back, fingers dug into her skin. The desperation she knew they both felt poured through her as she returned the kiss, knowing that she would feel these lips on hers in her memory forever. Every emotion she had raced through her mind, and she felt her love for Harry, and her impossible love for the woman in front of her clash together, two halves of a whole, neither complete without the other, opposites somehow contained in one body that for the first time felt strong enough to hold them. She loved them both.

They broke apart, and Ginny saw everything she felt reflected back at her, in fearless eyes. They didn't speak, just held on for just another moment, unable to break apart. Then, simultaneously they turned, and ran down the stairs to the battle together.

**May 15, 1998**

Smiling softly, Ginny leans into the touch on her shoulder, feeling the only peace she ever finds these days. She lifts her hand to intertwine their fingers, but when her fingers reach the point of warmth, she finds nothing there.

She doesn't need to turn around, to confirm the empty space behind her chair. The warmth is gone, her world is gray, and the despair she now lives with floods through her veins, stronger than ever before. It doesn't matter that she still feels the touch of her hand, the taste of her lips, or the passion in her silver eyes. Every time she hears her laugh, or feels her presence, and she's so sure that this time, when she whirls around, Tonks will be there, smiling at her – she won't be. She's gone.

Ginny feels her throat constrict, her heart ache as if there is a hole there, but she has no more tears. Her love for Tonks and for Harry became sides of herself, impossibly combined in one person, equally powerful, and she needs them both to breathe. But with one half crushed, the other is also in pain and now what remains is gasping for breath. Today, she has to put half of herself in a marble tomb and leave it there forever.

How long before she stops seeing her around every corner, hearing her in every laugh, feeling her in every touch? How can she continue when a part of her is missing, and cannot be replaced? How will she find her strength when the source of her light is lost forever? When will she be able to stand on her own again?

And does she even want to? If it means erasing the feelings she'd worked so hard to carve into her memory, to never forget, no matter how crazy it was, how impossible they were. Which is worse, allowing Tonks to fade away in order to heal, or to remember, and spend the rest of her life feeling like she is just below the surface with water rushing into her lungs?

Ginny already knows her choice.

She hears Harry before she sees him, striding into the room in his solemn black robes. He stands next to her, hand on her shoulder, and she looks up into his eyes, finding only sadness. From deep within, she manages to rekindle the tiny light, nearly faded, to a soft white glow behind her eyes. The pain is crushing, but she is rewarded with a little life coming back into his green eyes.

"Are you ready to go? The ceremony is starting soon."

Ginny nods, and stands. She finds her eyes lingering on the empty place just behind her chair. She feels Harry's strong hand clasp hers.

"I love you," he whispers.

Still staring at the spot, she allows herself to be folded against his chest, absorbing some of his warmth.

She looks up at him, and she can tell by his expression that some of the courage has returned to her eyes.

"I love you back."

Harry waves his wand to disapparate, and in the last moment before she is pulled away, her whole world is a flash of silver light.

A/N: If the writing feels disjointed, it's probably because I wrote the first 21 pages in about 10 hours last summer, and the last 5 pages two days ago. Wish my inspiration could be a little more consistent/frequent, but you take what you can get. Hope you enjoyed.


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